This is me.

mood: thoughtful

music: Anthony Green - Dear Child

Always and all ways.
I think I always will.
I'll never tell you, though.
It will be my little secret.

Posted at 04:12 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: pissed

I cannot stand my father.
He's such a jerk.

One more month, I'm moving out.
I really don't care what the stupid court says.

Posted at 09:42 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: chipper

music: Owl City - The Saltwater Room

I've been doing surprisingly well lately.
I'm just lovin' life. :D
Wow, it's been a while since I've been able to honestly say that.

Posted at 07:12 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: chipper

music: Vanessa Carelton - White Houses

These past two days have been surprisingly nice.
I hung out with Stephanie, and I think that's just what I needed, really.  I feel so much more grounded.
We had fun, too.  We didn't do anything spectacular, but I always have fun with Steph.
I'm going back over there tonight and I must say I'm pretty excited.
I haven't been excited for anything in quite a while, so this is pretty big news.

Maybe there is hope for me after all :)

Posted at 02:36 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: sleepy

music: Amber rubartH - Rough Cut

Seems like I'm messing everything up these days.  I don't know how to prioritize my time well enough and I think that less important things are dominating my schedule.  I really need to fix that, well, starting next week.

That's my other problem... procrastinating.  I'm really bad about that.  I need to work on these things before I fall miserably behind in school.

On top of that (as well as a lot of other things) I've been sleeping way too much lately.
I sleep during school, I sleep after school, I fall asleep early at night, I sleep in whenever I get the chance. It's getting ridiculous, but I really think it's just a symptom of something bigger, you know?

Posted at 09:01 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: disappointed

Just when you think you know somebody, your realize that you don't.  You can't trust anybody, ever, no matter what they say.  Everybody, and I mean everybody has the potential to stab you in the back, I know that.  I just never thought you would. But I guess I was wrong.  Who knew?

Posted at 06:01 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: crappy

music: Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson

So homecoming was a bust.  Definitely did not have a good time.  It was basically a constant anxiety attack for me, and it brought back a lot of feelings that I haven't had in a long time.  Not good feelings, either.  It really just scared me a lot, and made me miss my mom even more.   I hope I get to see her soon, but I doubt that I will.  I need her right now, and I don't think anybody really understands that.

Posted at 12:03 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: blah

music: Thinking of you - Katy Perry

It's been a while.  Oh well.
Things are still as broken as ever.  The only thing that seems to be going okay is school, and I'm talking strictly academics.  Socially, I'm not doing too well either.

I miss Stephanie to death.  It seems like she never has time for me anymore, but I know that I'm as much at fault as she.  It just kinda sucks a little bit.
I feel as if I've lost every person that used to be my support.  Can't talk to or see mom, still.  Don't really have Stephanie anymore.  My therapist of 3 years left me.  I just feel really lonely, and I'm trying to replace the best I can, but it's just not working out.

As much as I thought I'd never say this, I wish things would go back to the way they used to be.  As bad as they were, nothing could be worse than this.

The choices are making are really disappointing, even to me.  I can't believe I got an MIP.  How  could I be so stupid?
Somebody needs to keep me in check.  Maybe I need to learn to do that on my own.

It seems like I'm the only one I have to count on anymore.
Isn't that usually how it is with most people, though?  I guess I'm just not used to it yet, but I better, and reall quick.
I just feel like I can't get a handle on things anymore.  I'm so out of control.
I want my old life.  I want my old friends.

On a slightly happier note, Homecoming is today, and I haven't actually been this excited for anything in a long ass time.  This new kid Clifton is taking me.  A lot of people have not so nice things to say about him, but I think he seems fun, and funny, and I'm excited to go with him.  Today should be pretty decent.  Let's hope.

Posted at 09:45 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: pessimistic

Well, I'm back.
From where you ask? Well, if you don't know, don't bother asking, kay?

Now that we've got that out of the way, here are some updates:
-I now live in Livonia with my dad (temporarily), but I'm still attending FRHS.
-I'm not doing too well right now, but I'm stable, which is more than I could say two weeks ago.
-I'm currently learning how to cope with stress and all in a healthier way than I have in the past.  So far, mission accomplished.
-I don't have a lot of friends anymore, and I'm okay with that.  I'm perfectly content with the select close friends I do have, and I really don't have any need for anybody else.
-I miss my friends terribly, and I hope I don't have a nervous break down before I get to see them again.

Well, gotta go to the store with my dad.  I might add more later.

Posted at 04:18 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: numb

I feel like it's my fault, but everybody keeps telling me it isn't.
I ruined my family (or, he ruined my family?)

I don't care about me, and I don't give a fuck about him,
but what about my mom?

This is what is bothering me the most.

How do people usually deal with a thing like this?  Shouldn't there be some sort of handbook regarding this sort of thing?
Personally, I think there should be.

Posted at 06:09 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 2 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: nauseated

music: Cursive - The Lament of Pretty Baby

How could he do that to me?

You know everything's fucked up when you can't even trust your own family.

Posted at 11:10 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: tired

music: Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People

Soo, I probably had the craziest weekend, EVER.
I spent everyday since Wednesday with Sam, which is crazy in it's self.
Friday was Ashley's birthday party.  That was hella funnnn
Saturday was Corbin's grad party.. which was honestly pretty boring,
and then Sunday was Mayhem festival.  Definitely not something you'd expect me to go to,
But it was sooo much fun.  I fell in love with Marilyn Manson a little bit :p
I got knocked around in some pits, and got lost in the crowds.
The whole thing was complete insanity, but it's by far the most fun I had all summer.

I think this weekend is something I needed.

Posted at 08:30 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: stoked

I got one! Finally. Now, maybe the remainder of my summer won't be so goddamn lame. :)

Posted at 08:55 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: exhausted

music: City and Colour - Save your scissors

Everything is so redundant lately.

I can't really tell one day from the next, because they're really all the same.

It's driving me freaking nuts.

Posted at 01:37 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: artistic

music: Missy Higgins - Casualty

Same old, same old.
I need some excitement.

Posted at 06:08 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: groggy

music: The Postal Service - Such Great Heights

Everything is a mess right now.
I have like nothing to do, ever.  Nobody ever wants to do anything, so I just sit around constantly.
I'm so bored.
This isolation is making me go backwards.  I'm absolutely certain of that.  If I don't get out and do things soon, I'm going to be right back where I started.
I'm already headed there anyways.

Can't I just be happy, for more than a few weeks time? Is that allowed?
It hasn't happened for me yet.  I'm beginning to doubt that it ever will.

I just wish everybody didn't walk out on me.  It always happens.  There's only one person who's always been there, but I need other people too. 
I'm sick of being all alone all the time.
Why don't I have any friends anymore? Ughhhh.

Posted at 09:52 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: curious

music: Lily Allen - Smile

I have no friends. Officially.

Yayyy!
Gotta love my life.

Posted at 04:23 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: annoyed

music: The Ting Tings - That's not my name

I'm massively annoyed lately.
Like extremely.

People are frustrating me.  I feel like nobody wants to hangout with me anymore, probably because they don't.  There are two people who hang out with me anymore, and don't get me wrong, I love them to death, and I love hanging out with them,  However, and I mean this with no offense, I'm bored.  I want to do something different.  I want to be with different people.  Ugh, I don't even know.

And I really kinda want a boyfriend, as desperate as that may sound.  I'm so lonely anymore.  And I want to fall in love again, but that's probably never going to happen for me, at least not for a long time.

fmlfmlfmlfmlfmlfmlfmlfmlfmlfmlfmlfmlfmlfml

Posted at 11:56 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: awake

Hm.  Gotta love those nights when you can't sleep.
I'm supposed to work today, let's hope I don't pass out before/during that. I need the money like woah.

I'm going nuts in this house.  I feel like I haven't really done anything in days... probably because, oh I don't know, I haven't.  I need to get out of this trailer park.
Natalie and I are supposed to go to my dad's Saturday.  Spree is a possibility, if we have the money.  Otherwise, just swimming and what not, which would still be nice.  I like hanging out with Natalie.  She's a good friend, and I have a lot of fun with her.  She's become one of my closest friends, seriously.

Stephanie and I saved a baby bird the other night, and named it baby.  It was dying in her gutter.  We got it out of there, and fed it and stuff, and it seemed to be doing better.  Then we fell asleep and didn't wake back up to feed it.  It was really upsetting when she told me it died.  I feel bad.  I actually cried about it (I know, I'm a baby, whatever.)  Poor thing.
Well, at least we tried.

Anyways, yeah.  My sister is coming home, permanently, very soon.  I'm extremely excited about that.  She needs to be home, so I can be there for her, and so I can see her all the time.  I miss her a lot, so I really can't wait for her to finally come homeee!
blahhh.

Maybe I'll make some moneyyyyzzz today.  That would be nice.  Mooore cigarettes! Yay!  And an enhanced license so Natalie and I can go to Canada! Double Yayyy!

K. I'm done. Pce.

Posted at 08:40 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: aggravated

music: The Getaway Plan - Where the city meets the sea

Oh jeez.  I want to get my stupid car.  I'm sick of doing nothing, and I'm sick of being broke.  If I get a car, I can get a job, then, I can have money to go out and do things.  I need a car.

A certain "friend" of mine is really upsetting me.  This "friend" promised they'd always be there for me, and promised they were never going anywhere. That, apparently, was bullshit. Some friend.   Does anybody know how to keep promises anymore?  I mean, if anything, you could at least text me with an explanation so I can stop trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Like, really?  Whatever.  Everything is just so redundant anymore.  The same thing happens with every person who walks into my life, and I'm really sick of it.  I think I'm done making new friends.  I'll just stick with the ones who have always been there.  Clearly, they're the only ones who I can trust.

Ughhhh.  Why is summer sucking so bad?  Hopefully getting a car will turn that around, and hopefully I don't have to wait anymore than another week or so to get it.
gaygaygaygaygaygaygaygayyyyy

Posted at 02:41 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend